2 More Actions to take for Identity Repair

In my last post I gave you three things you can do
to repair holes in your identity:

·       Start
including people and thus make a “zone of belonging”

·       Take
the risk of relationships

·       Wash
your mind, soul and spirit with Scripture

You have taken the risk of relationship and it
turned out just as badly as before—you still got a pick slip, the “friend” you
thought was trustworthy betrayed you and you were still passed over, were not
seen. Now you are beating up on yourself for trusting, thinking this time will be different, for being so gullible.

There is more going on here than gullibility—there
are some powerful laws of God in operation. To learn how to make the laws work for you
rather than against you, try taking these two actions, but be forewarned—they
require time and commitment.

Root of the problem
is most often the angry, bitter
responses to hurtful events and attitudes when you were growing up that become
habitual. When we are hurt we tend
to want to hurt back, or withdraw and cut off relationship but still smolder
inside. We give ourselves a good talking to, do battle with feeling stupid and
thinking we should have known better! We put up protective walls and promise ourselves
we will never do that again.

When hurt happens repeatedly we learn to expect that
life hurts and that you have to be cautious and careful. And then we grow up
and forget about the hurtful events and the decisions and declarations we made.
Old hurts seal over like an abscess, but the infection is still there. Years
later a new situation arises with similar characteristics and the old hurt
starts to leak and affect the new relationship, but you were tentative about
relationships anyway, right? No one tells us that when we do these things that we set
absolute laws that work every time in motion. Those laws of nature keep that same kind of hurt coming our way!

I don’t know why we didn’t see it before. With the
laws of physics and gravity and propulsion we can send the robot Curiosity to
Mars. Those same absolute laws work in relationships. What’s the difference
between “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction” and “Give,
and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured
into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (Luke
6:38) So if we radiate caution and lack of trust the laws of nature tell us
that we can expect people to respond in kind!

If you have a pattern of loosing jobs, friends
turning on you or being invisible—what is the root of it? The details vary from
person to person, but the reason it keeps happening is that somewhere along the
way that law was tripped into action. Sometimes people on their own can track
back to where it started, but this is where an inner healing counselor can be a
great help! And that is the first of the two more things you can do to repair
old problems and build new habits and expectations.


When there is a pattern—when the same kind of thing
keeps repeating such as abuse, abandonment or betrayal, unfaithfulness—there
is usually an old wound that is causing you problems. Find a counselor who is
aligned with Jesus and faithful to His ways who can help you track it down. I
suggest you follow the pattern to its source, but you don’t need to dig up the
entire back yard of your life looking for every “root of bitterness” that might
possibly be there! See Hebrews 12:15. Once you tend to the raw area, go about
your life; as you bump into another wound, anger, resentment, receive healing
for it. Don’t take the attitude that you must “have it all together” before you
can take your place in God’s Special Forces. You can serve Him while in
process. Embrace your high sensitivity, with your burden bearing capacity as a
lifestyle. Engage the struggle to change where God shows you change is needed.
Take the risks of relationships, develop the disciplines He assigns you, and
deal with the inner healing needs as they present themselves.[1]

Once the causes of the problems are removed, you
need to build new habits and expectations that will hold the truth. You do that
by finding new faces!

New Faces

The final thing you can do to repair your identity
is much harder, but worth the effort. Find
some new faces
to look at! Not
just any face will do. What you see reflected in the new faces needs to align
with the picture you see in Scripture. The face must also radiate the message,
“I am happy to be with you, regardless of how you feel.” If a new face does not
align with Scripture or does not appear to be happy to be with you, move on—and do not feel bad about it! The Lord’s
will for you is to bloom, not wilt and fade away. You need to have your deficit
of truth about yourself met, which means you need to be included—you need to

You will find some faces that meet these criteria,
but for a variety of reasons, may not be able to consistently meet your needs. Explore the likelihood of their
ability to be consistent. Some people have a workload, family responsibilities,
and the like that make it unlikely that they would be able to be consistent.
They may be willing, but right now, it would be better for them not to take on
another relationship. It is very important to spend time exploring such issues
with an individual who “holds promise.” You do not need or want to be in a
situation where you expect to be consistently included, applauded, but are not.
Another alternative is to negotiate and talk about expectations and come to an
agreement ahead of time. Then when something “blows up,” you can go back and
look at your expectations. If there is a commitment to the relationship and to
you, your friendship will survive.

God designed family to teach you who you are. If
what you learned in your family was an untrue or unstable picture of yourself,
allow God to create a new “group” who can teach you the truth about yourself.
God wants to scoop you up and envelop you in the kind of hug that hugs your
insides as well as your outside—that puts belonging in your spirit and
emotions. Yes, you need to see God’s truth about you reflected in faces you can
physically see, but do not stop there—look higher. Look into Jesus’ face, and
into His eyes. Believe what you see there. It is the Truth!

To implement these suggestions for identity repair, I suggest the
  • Purchase The Mystery of Spiritual Sensitivity and Highly Sensitive. You can get some help by
    yourself and/or with a friend while you are searching for a counselor
For help in
finding a counselor familiar with inner healing—go to my website:
www.fromgodsheart.com. Click on “links.” That will get you

Contact me with
questions. I’m always happy to help.
Please let me know how the process goes with you so
I can pray with and for you!


For more information on Inner Healing see the writings of author John Sandford.
He has been a pioneer in the field.